Judging from her latest piece, Emily Yoffe, Slate’s advice columnist, is going after Dear Abby’s job. Incensed that Dear Abby stole her advice thunder by insisting that the rape of one man’s sleeping wife is obviously a big ol’ lie, Yoffe tried to up the ante by writing a concern troll piece on single parenting, concluding that the real problem with single parents, namely single mothers, is that they don’t feel enough proper shame for their failed attempts at parenting, i.e. shame for their stupid, destructive children. Yoffe cushions her assertions with a bit of social science that leaves out wide swaths of information about the realities of why single parents opt to remain single, and tries to couch her concern in economic blither and psychobabble blather. There’s so much wrong with her essay that I sprained an eyeball by rolling them so hard, starting with the ever-present definition of “single parent” as “unmarried woman.”
I prefer “dumb whore” — it keeps things simple:
Having unmarried parents can be devastating for children who start out with no cushion in life. In 1999 congressional testimony, Isabel Sawhill of the Brookings Institution said that the increase in single-parent families—mostly due to unwed motherhood in the past few decades—”can account for virtually all of the increase in child poverty since 1970.” A recent study found that the stress of early childhood poverty can literally damage developing brains.
I don’t doubt the effects of poverty on the brain are true and devastating to a child’s development, but Yoffe, taking the Bush administration’s solution to the issue of child poverty, asserts that the solution to raising smarter, more productive children is not providing kids and parents with better resources, but marriage. Heterosexual marriage, you see, is the panacea to all things deviant. Children of marriage have never grown up to be criminal, drug-addicted losers, and any that have are merely exceptions to the rule. Gay parents, meanwhile, are totally out of luck.
Of course we find that the catalyst for Emily Yoffe’s rant on the dangers of “fatherlessness” is the movie “Juno.” Fucking “Juno” (I’m starting to hate this movie), a piece of “Gilmore Girls” -brand chatty fiction, and possibly the one mainstream piece of cinema in ten years that hasn’t moralized a pregnant, single woman into an emotional or physical ghetto. Enter Yoffe:
Why is it verboten to express the truth that growing up with a lonely, overwhelmed mother and a missing father is a recipe for childhood pain?
Because marriage isn’t magic. Marriage doesn’t protect you from finding out your partner is a lying, cheating, alcoholic loser. I didn’t become a single parent because I am stupid, I became a single parent because I couldn’t predict the future, one of the reasons that the “you should have known better” approach to single mothers is so infuriating. Nobody enters a marriage planning to divorce, nobody enters a relationship optimistically anticipating a nasty break up. I opted not to marry because we made each other miserable, and endless nights of arguments and crying jags are not elements of a good relationship or stable household. The reasons weren’t economic, Ethan’s father is a fine provider and always has been. It didn’t work and never would have worked, and we made the smart decision to avoid a messy, expensive divorce by never marrying in the first place. People thought I was crazy, rejecting a guy that I’d had a baby with who had done everything to let me know he was open to legitimizing my honor, but I had plans apart from being an angry, resentful housewife whose only commitment to my husband was some social duty.
You’d think an advice columnist would have run across a letter or two describing a lonely, overwhelmed mother and missing father who married for life, raising neurotic, angry kids who grew up in a household of quiet resentment, but perhaps not. Sadly, this is the truth of many marriages I know of, and in my opinion, a more dangerous recipe for childhood pain than avoiding a shitty marriage altogether.
Thank you for this. The best response I came up with to Yoffe’s article was, “Fuck you!”
I like the big you quoted. Childhood poverty is a problem, so . . . let’s blame unwed mothers. Hey, unwed mothers! If you had more money, childhood poverty would be less of a problem! Can you get on that please? Kthx.
“big” s/b “bit.” Sorry, late. Too many peeps today.
Thank You! Back in December, Emily Yoffe wrote an offensive piece about drag kings, and I stopped going to Slate’s site because of it. I JUST started going back to Slate, and now there’s this self-righteous piece of crap by her. Thank’s for helping me articulate my rage!!! Go away Emily Yoffe!
I like how single mothers are the evil ones. Single fathers are, what, tragic martyrs? Yes, poverty is damaging but constantly exposing kids to domestic violence is even more damaging. I like how they rail on unwed mothers and then start taking away all the sex education, birth control, and abortion options for young people. Only rich, white, heterosexuals are allowed to have children nowadays, I guess.
Good to know Yoffe hasn’t changed since I stopped reading her. I used to enjoy Dear Prudence back when Margo Phillips wrote it (not saying it was good of me to enjoy it, but we all have our guilty pleasures.) As soon as Yoffe barfed out some claptrap to an earnestly childless woman that she really *was* being selfish and narcissistic by not having children, I stopped reading Slate altogether. Haven’t really missed it, either.
Thank you. You have articulated beautifully everything I wanted to say about that article. Here it is 2008 and “fatherlessness” still seems to be the woman’s fault. It causes a sort of reptilian rage in my brain.
Right on, right on, right-the-fuck-on. Here’s a thought: reinterpretation. Take this quote for example, “In 1999 congressional testimony, Isabel Sawhill of the Brookings Institution said that the increase in single-parent families—mostly due to unwed motherhood in the past few decades—”can account for virtually all of the increase in child poverty since 1970.”
Couldn’t the cause of childhood poverty just as easily be interpreted as “mostly due to the abandonment of children by their fathers?” The “abdication of fatherly responsibility towards their children?” Hmmm?
And why is the term “illegitimate” still used? That term originated to differentiate between who was and who wasn’t an heir. Children born outside marriage were considered “illegitimate” so men who liked to fuck women other than their wives didn’t have to pass on any property rights or title to those “outside” children. Ok? Now, the law reads that it doesn’t matter whether the father of the child is married to the mother—he is legally responsible. (whether he chooses to accept that is another matter.) So, why keep “illegitimate” in use? I am an unmarried mother. If I die, my daughter will inherit my property, get insurance benefits, Social Security, death benefits from my union—she’s not “illegitimate”, as I am legally allowed to own property and money, and bequeath those to her.
Frankly, WTF. Illegitimate, my ass. Why is the mother, the one who stuck around, the one who provides the ways and means and the daily care, the one with the late nights and early mornings and public scorn—why is the mother the “illegitimate” parent?! For fuck’s sake!!
Because it’s history. History. The accepted way for dealing with women whoo got pregnant outside of marriage wasn’t the shotgun wedding. It was leaving. Denying. Don’t believe me? See the entire history of European nobility towards peasant women. See the entire United States slave trade. See also how the captains of U.S. industry treated female millworkers, maids, kitchen staff, etc.
Fuck you, Emily Yoffe. Bend over and kiss my Sicilian ass.
Thank you for this. I am actually thinking of doing the worst thing possible, committing the biggest sin in the world: becoming a single mother. You know, how long am I supposed to wait for the “right guy to come along, offer to marry me and start a family?” I’ve had a few wrong guys in my life and quite frankly I’m tired of waiting. I’m independent, self-sufficient and have the means to have a child on my own.
Sheesh… I’m tired of the old mores and people making judgments without walking in my shoes or in the shoes of others in similar situations.
Great post. Totally agree with you.
*Great* article. Really well expressed - I’d probably just end up curled up on the floor in a quivering ball of rage if I attempted to write something similar.
I’ve stuck a link up to this on Dollymix, so thank you!
not to steal la lubu’s sentiment, but she summed it up brilliantly! right the fuck on! your response was nigh perfect!
being a single parent (mother) apparently is like posting a sign in your yard that says “tell me what i am doing wrong!” b/c that is exactly what happens. it feels like a free pass to pass judgement on us.
” Single fathers are, what, tragic martyrs?”
the only response i have to that is “just ask one”.
followed the link at Shakesville here.
Thank-you for writing this!
yoffe can STFU already.
Oooh! It’s so nice to be reminded how eeeeevil I really am because frankly with my two brilliant, well-adjusted, accomplished (college age) daughters I’d have to think that maybe I didn’t do such a bad job with this parenting thing, even without the All-Important Penis about to guide me. Now I see how they actually turned out so well: Magic. Back to self-recrimination for me!
PS Fuck you on a pogo stick, Emily Yoffe!!!!
Smooches,
Alyssa
Yoffe has this breathtakingly annoying manner, as she patiently tries to explain to all of us how children just are better off with two married heterosexuals, and how global warming just is a matter of scare tactics and dumb dumb liberals.
And all delivered in such a mild, reasonable, long-suffering tone of voice. SUCH a charmer.
“Why is it verboten to express the truth that growing up with a lonely, overwhelmed mother and a missing father is a recipe for childhood pain?”
I dunno about in general, but expressing it to someone who is facing the prospect of single parenthood is verboten because it’s fucking tactless and serves only to make her hate herself and her situation.
It’s people like this that just make everything so much harder.
There’s nothing like putting your heart and soul into raising and caring for your child and then getting slapped in the face with comments like that.
It’s just as bad as the “oh wow, he’s doing really great… you know.. considering” comments.
Really, how does anybody think they can be an authority on the subject unless it’s actually a life they’ve lived. Even then, every situation is different…
There’s no way anyone could tell me that my son would be better off living with his father (who is jobless, lives with his parents, parties every night and is trying to make it big with his “band”) than with me, and no possible way that the two of us getting married would have any kind of positive contribution to his life.
We don’t love each other, in all honesty, we weren’t ever in a relationship and we don’t have the means of nurturing a healthy relationship together.
I don’t hate myself, or the situation I’m in. I love my son and all that he brings to my life. I do my best by him and he is a very happy and well taken care of baby.
My ex would have married me in an instant and he would have loved my child like his own but why should I do that when I don’t see it working out.
Why go through all of the heartache and all of the hurt just so you aren’t a single parent?
Sorry for the mini rant.
I just can’t help it when I hear things like this.
It hurts annoys me when people think it’s okay to judge and generalize about such a complex and complicated situation.
I guess if us as single parent were dumb enough to take responsibility for the children we deserve this bullshit. What is wrong with this woman! Any hard day as a happy-to-be-single-mother is way better that any day married to a lazy prick.