Sometimes a slang term pops into the cultural sphere that is so useful it crawls under the brainskin, no matter the historical stigma implied. For me this term is “baby daddy.” How else do you describe a relationship between you and a guy with whom you are no longer involved, to whom you were never married, nor even friendly with any longer, but with whom you nevertheless share a child? (Reverse genders for a similarly heteronormative conundrum.)
According to this old Slate article, the terms “baby daddy” and “baby mama” likely came out of Jamaica where the creole terms baby-mother and baby-father were filtered into the states through reggae, into rap, and soon joining the ranks of mainstreamed slang like bling. Even though the terms have evolved into standard Jamaican English,
If you called your husband your “baby-father,” he might be insulted—the term suggests biological fatherhood in the absence of any real parenting. The linguistics professor Peter L. Patrick, who studies Jamaican Creole, said the terms “definitely imply there is not a marriage—not even a common-law marriage—but rather that the child is an ‘outside’ child.”
But I’m not sure the stigma exists any longer, at least in historical degree. In American English the terms don’t so much imply something about the children so much as they do the relationship between the parents. Taking a dive into the Urban Dictionary, which screams of overeager white kids trying too hard to emulate hip hop culture, the definitions of the term not only include the lack of marriage and involvement between parents, but also include references to broken character, broken will, and even more broken cash flow (unless you’re a “baby mama”, in which case you’re a gold-digging slut). These ghettoized caricatures are problematic, largely due to unfair depictions of black and female-headed families, but as the terms go more mainstream some of the stigma seems to fall away.
Who knows why these terms became catchphrases? Perhaps it’s just that they’re metrically pleasing: Baby-mama and baby-daddy are undeniably fun to say. But it’s the novelty factor that explains how the words lost their negative connotations.
“Ex-husband” and “ex-wife” have a level of legality that doesn’t apply to us single folks, whereas “mother/father of my children” almost implies too much importance and is clunky to boot, and a simple “ex-boyfriend” and “ex-girlfriend” neglects the utility of acknowledging the parental relationship. Futhermore, I don’t believe “baby daddy” says much about the relationship between parent and child, comparatively little in comparison to what it says about the relationship between parents. Does it imply a lack of involvement between parent and child, or just between parents?
I wish the verbiage was streamlined, connotating an appropriate level of importance, but without the casualness of slang. Because damn if it isn’t an effective term. If not baby daddy, baby mama, then what?
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In the Offsprung version of this post I used the picture associated with this t-shirt to illustrate my post and immediately drew ire.
haven’t you heard this slang used in movies and tv when a female of a certain melenonic persuasion is trying to figure which of her male “partners” is the father of her child? “Who my baby daddy? Where my baby daddy at?”
To me, this term shows that the speaker is: Number one, ignorant and/or stupid, since they cannot speak proper english. Number two, living a lifestyle of casual unprotected sex.
Anyone who would wear a shirt like this is someone I would not want to associate with. If you do not love the father (or mother) of your child, why did you have unprotected sex with them in the first place? Why take that risk? Joke or not, I think it speaks volumes about the person who wears it.
There’s a whole lot of grossness to unpack from that comment and just I ain’t gonna do it.
Several of my friends with children use “baby daddy” and “baby mama” — for me it does not imply either a lack of involvement between parent/child or parent/parent, but cues me in on the relationship status, that there is involvement on some level.
Like that irked commentator, I had qualms with the way it made the speaker sound, but I’ve gotten over it. When my friends say it, I know who they are referencing: the other parent (or, biological parent) of their child. (Generally, if the other parent is not involved, they use other phrases!)
When I refer to my son’s dad, I try to define him in terms of my son, versus in terms of my relationship with him. So, he’s usually “T’s dad” and not “my ex-husband”. Using “dad” versus “father” I think helps imply that he and I have an informal (and therefore cooperative) relationship.
The way I see it, its no one’s dang business whether we have or have had marital status or if he’s paying child support or visiting or not. I don’t cast a negative light on him, because I don’t want that carrying over to his son. I prefer to leave people guessing on all those details.
Of course, in private to my close friends, I still call him “Dumbass”.
If you do not love the father (or mother) of your child, why did you have unprotected sex with them in the first place?
I see, from reading the comments, that this guy is a sex-has-consequences kinda guy. I guess once you decide to have the baby, the consequence must be marrying the guy who got you pregnant.
Also: yes, I really would like to play poker with him. Sheesh.
Or at least spades. “TRUMP!” “That’s the 3 of clubs, dude.”
From Cog’s profile, a question-and-answer segment to bolster the theory that we most hate in others what we despise in ourselves:
SRSLY.
as a black american woman, i find that those phrases fall from the mouths of single-parenting white hipsters & other non-black/ brown folks just as frequently as it does the “ignorant” non-white single parents whom i observe.
of course, because i declare that mos def should be my baby daddy i must be ignorant & uneducated. can we also add to that “on welfare”? because i’m not. it’s a part of the american lexicon, & a testament to the idea that not everyone you have a kid with is gonna be (or worthy of being) your long term mate. it seems to me that anyone who thinks that the terminology is exclusively indicative of one’s level of ignorance must be burning w/ the desire to heap a bunch of other racist/ classist bull crap on the head of the person who willingly uses such terms to begin with. i hate to say it, but most folks who think that hip hop is wrong/ bad are typically coming at it from a racist/ classist viewpoint in the first place.
in terms of baby daddy, we can probably add sexism to that as it ties into the idea that poor women and non-white women are really just breeders unleashed on the wellfare rolls.
not that TANF really does what it neeeds to do in pennsylvania, or anywhere else.
i could be here all day talking about this. but i won’t. hi, lauren! (you might not remember me from wehavebrains, but hi anyway)
I don’t necessarily think “son’s/daughter’s/baby’s father” or “baby’s daddy” or “baby’s dad” is always a negative term. It is saying that this specific man is the father of your child. To me it implies that you and said man are not currently in a relationship with one another. Depending on the context, it would imply he either is or is not involved with said child :
“My son’s dad has him this weekend” vs. “My son’s dad is a good-for-nothing loser”.
Personally I wouldn’t say “baby daddy”. I would say “baby’s daddy”. It’s just my preference.
I’ve found it most useful outside of a heteronormative context.
A friend of mine, Lisa*, had an unexpected pregnancy and decided to put her child up for open adoption. Her baby was adopted by a middle-aged, white, lesbian couple. As Lisa’s baby’s mothers is cumbersome and confusing I tend to refer to them as Lisa’s baby-mamas, as in “Lisa’s baby mamas have uploaded new pictures!” It still has the same use, referring to the parent(s) by way of the child, independent of a relationship with the child’s biological mother, but is divorced from any particular race, class, or orientation.
I am ashamed to admit that I used to think people were ignorant if they had speech patterns that differed from mine (and not coincidentally were associated with low-income people and/or ethnic minorities), but as I’ve continued to grow up (20 now), lived in other countries, broadened my horizons, and learned a smattering of several languages (Spanish, Japanese, and currently Turkish), I’ve been forced to face the obvious and realize that how you talk is determined by how everyone around you talks. When I lived in Japan, it only took a few weeks before “Ehhhh??” (What?) stopped sounding funny and started tumbling out of my mouth, before “Ichi-ni-san HAI! cheeZU!’ became automatic.
People who make assumptions about a person’s intelligence based not on what they say but on how they say it are transparently insecure about their own intelligence, in my opinion, and more often than not, hideously racist and classist.
And I think baby-daddy and baby-mama are incredibly useful, legitimate words. I wish people would realize that language changes, that there is no such thing as an immutable “proper English,” that language, ultimately, belongs to people alive and speaking TODAY, not to long-dead grammarians.
I usually just say “my kid’s dad.” That’s even shorter than “my baby daddy.”
As someone who uses the term baby daddy on occasion, I have mixed feelings on it. On one hand it’s great shorthand for my sons’ fathers (as they have different ones) on the other hand I’m afraid that someone will misread my playfulness as ignorance, and I hate to look ignorant. And of course there is the ever-present worry of making black people (of which I am half) look bad, women more so.
As with most things like this, I like to use it when I feel safe, and make more formal references (’my son’s father’, ‘my ex husband’) when I feel it is necessary. But I don’t see it as fundamentally damaging. And most people who hear me use it seem to understand what I am trying to say.
The t-shirt is something I would have worn 12 years ago, after having my first son, but I’d never let either of my kids see me in something like this now - I know what it’s like to have your mom speak against your dad (and vice versa to a lesser extent), and as much as I dislike my baby daddies, I don’t want to make my babies sad, so I try to keep a civil tongue in my mouth in front of them.
“Because damn if it isn’t an effective term. If not baby daddy, baby mama, then what?”
Personally, I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to say “my son/daughter’s dad”.