Faux Real

6 Responses to “Some of the Dumbest Shit I’ve Seen In Print”

1. 1 Auguste May 12th, 2007 at 11:40 pm

   From the same column:

   I have a 4-year-old who tends to act up from time to time. I have tried “time-outs” and even soft spanking and have taken his privileges away. Nothing seems to work. However, I have found that smashing one of his small toys with a hammer works well. Do you see any danger in this form of punishment?

   Holy hades.

2. 2 ilyka May 13th, 2007 at 1:17 am

   I saw that one too, Auguste. To me that’s many levels more psychotic than a spanking.

   But the upchuckiness Lauren linked to–I’d like to hit that Jeanne Phillips for her response:

   The individuals who should be warned are the young men who will be escorting those young women on prom night. One foolish mistake could lead to a 20-year commitment to support a child before they are emotionally or financially ready for that responsibility. And all because their prom date was afraid to tell her parents she wasn’t ready for college? I’m appalled.

   Ooh, close, Jeanne, but I’m afraid the definition of “appalled” is not, in fact, “a gullible tool of the patriarchy.” Next time, say what you mean.

3. 3 Auguste May 13th, 2007 at 1:49 am

   “Dear Abby,

   What’s the most efficient way to spring the pregnancy trap? I’ve considered sticking a hypodermic needle through a stack of condoms, but a friend of mine who’s one year older said that most guys believe you can’t get pregnant the first time, so I was thinking it’d be easier just to tell my prom date that I’m a virgin and we don’t need condoms at all.”

4. 4 Auguste May 13th, 2007 at 2:17 am

   Wow. The above could be read very differently than I meant it, I just realized.

5. 5 ilyka May 13th, 2007 at 5:19 am

   “Dear Abby,

   Please help me spread the word about this nationwide problem! My teenaged daughter informed me on a recent trip to the mall that her (underage) peers are having the sex even though, oftentimes, they do not themselves orgasm. She relates that this is a common phenomenon not just at her high school, but at MySpace pages all over the internet.

   Is there a patriarchy in effect or something? Why would a young woman in the 21st century risk throwing away all her opportunities, all her dreams, all her needs for an unplanned pregnancy, over sex that doesn’t even get her off?

   Why is she so immature? What can I do to help her make better decisions?

   Signed,

   Confused Counselor
   Camp Cuervo, IL”

6. 6 Kyso K May 13th, 2007 at 10:40 pm

   So is this prom baby thing something the girls do before or after the rainbow parties?

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