Dear Sir,
I realize that parking spaces in the campus area are hot real estate, which is why I try to have some understanding about people who park in front of my house. We campus families are really pretty understanding: we deal with your litter, your noise, your music, your beer cans, your woo-ing and whoah-ing, your driving through our lawns, your harassing our pets and children, your idle Friday night spent breaking into my house, and we still continue to live here and supplement the community despite your inconsideration. Living on campus requires a sense of humor, and because I like the area and enjoy seeing a grown man walk past my house on game day in a diaper, spurs, and a cowboy hat, I try to maintain that sense of humor. I also understand that although you may well be a turd, you’re also a young turd, and may grow out of your entitlement issues.
This is why I did nothing the first twenty-four hours that you left the butt-end of your car blocking two feet of my driveway, and only bothered to call the parking cops on the second day to find out what we could do when you still neglected to move your car. Nothing, they said, but at that point it was considered an “abandoned vehicle,” and so they placed an orange sticker on your window. Twenty-four hours after that, the police were so kind as to give you a ring before towing your car. Three days later, with your car still blocking my driveway, I’m glad you were sober enough to take the call. The thing is, if you hadn’t invented a parking space right in front of my driveway, I wouldn’t have bothered to pursue moving it in the first place. People park in front of my house all weekend all the time.
I considerately drove my car very carefully in and out of my driveway, through my own lawn and over the sidewalk, all weekend, trying not to damage your vehicle — the only vehicle left parked on the street through Sunday. Which is why I’m surprised that you would make a point of parking in front of my house again today, flipping off my fiancee and telling him to fuck off at the top of your lungs. It really is irritating to peel orange stickers off your window, yes?
Such thankless work, campus life.
Next weekend I’ll be more considerate — you can use my driveway and I’ll park in the street. Maybe I’ll clear a place for you in my own garage, son. It’s only neighborly.
Sincerely,
Your bitch-ass neighbor
You are a much nicer person than i am…
What did Chef do? I would have smiled and though to myself, “It’s an old-fashioned public confrontation. By gar, it’s been a while.” No, no, I’m trying to be better about that sort of thing. I would have made some flip comment like, “Well, if you were smarter than the car, you’d have less trouble parking it.” Or the oldey but goodey, “What’s that, your IQ?” Lame, but there’s no way I could have let that go.
But why can’t the po-lice do anything if he’s blocking your driveway? What BS.
First, I’d send that in to the Journal & Courier editorial desk (maybe with some slight edits).
Second, you can get a small tire gauge, the dial kind… they have a blow-off valve to let you deflate tires. Deflating them without puncturing them is not considered vandalism, and, like the police not doing anything about him parking in front of your driveway, they won’t do anything as long as you don’t actually damage the property.
If it happens again the dude might get a surprise with Liquid Cement.
In the true HUHO, cheap-as-hell style…
1 5# bag flour
1 car, preferably misted with dew
Open bag; pour on roof, hood, and trunk.
Revenge for about 2 bucks.
You have the patience of a saint. Were I to be subjected to such an endless parade of failed evolution, it would be a matter of mere minutes before I set up a pillbox in the front lawn and started plinking.
Personally, I would have a video camera at the ready.
Videotape the progress of the situation, then his actions on the final day.
Get his name and address. If he’s under 30, find out who is parents are and where they live.
Then I would have taken it to the local TV station in Lafayette (there is still only one, right?) and see what they could do with it. Mail a copy to his parents as well, vaguely threatening a lawsuit. (No, you don’t have to file one.) Go to the campus police with your video as well, and make sure they see the threatened violence portion of the tape - Purdue cops may hate dealing with parking issues, but they love taking down potentially violent criminals.
Make it crystal clear that parking around your house is a very, very bad idea.
My two bits…
You can do this with a pencil-style pressure gauge, too; they typically have a nipple on the back of the head of the gauge that you can press on the valve on the tire and let out air.
i need to do me some whoah-ing.
did you ever actually see or talk to the twerp when he finally came to get it?
It’s this kind of shit which is why I’ll never stop being misanthropic. It’s also why I can’t embrace pacifism wholeheartedly. I think letting the air out of his tires is too nice. I’m all for a little lighter fluid and a match.
Ooh, here’s a thought. Siphon off his gas. Just leave him enough to get to a filling station. Everytime he parks it there, siphon it again. He’ll get tired of having to put all his drug money into the gas tank and quit parking there. In fact, I think it would be a great plan to siphon off the gas of anyone who parks in front of your driveway.
I wonder if it’s possible, given enough superglue, to superglue a car to the street? Or there’s the old favorite something-sticky-or-yucky on the underside of the door handle.
An acquaintance of mine, faced with a truly obnoxious neighbor who happened to own a white car, planted a mulberry tree near the property line. Those who know how much birds like mulberries, and also know what the poop of a mulberry-eating bird looks like, may imagine the results.
Tape down the sprayer on several cans of Liquid Cement so that they spray constantly, drop into a sunroof or open window, run away, total car.
Not that I would do this, but it’s a fun thought.
I love that Marcy! Perfect! Another good one is sugar in the gas tank. Not nice, but it gets the point across.
Dude, if he’s left his sunroof open, there’s a lot more you can drop through it than liquid cement.
I love the tree droppings!! You can’t fool with Mother Nature!!
Air intake vents dairy products.
Just sayin’.
Dammit, my plus sign disappeared.
Air intake vents & dairy products.
I don’t suppose there’s a tree of any sort overhanging the illegitimate parking space, into which a bird feeder might be placed?
Are there any flying pests in your area - moths, beetles, that sort of thing - that are commonly lured with hormone traps? Might it be possible to extract the scent lure - better, lots of them - from such a trap and stick it to an inconspicuous part of the offending parker’s car?
banana in the tailpipe. hey, it worked in Beverly Hills Cop…
Um, actually, it’s a potato that works best for that option, belledame.
Not that I would know anything about that (as he walks away whistling)…
Be for real. You should thank him for allowing you to live, on what is obviously, his street. Then you will not feel so bad if you need to borrow the air from his tires.
Have it towed to an impound lot where they have to pay the towing fee to get it back. It’s a teachable moment wrapped up in you getting the use of your driveway back pronto.
Aw, but that’s no fun, Celeste. I’m really enjoying the thought of the jerk returning to his car to find it covered in horny male beetles.
Celestes idea may be the best, Ledasmom. In my college town all of the towing is done by one company, which charges an outrageous impound & daily storage fees and, this is the best part, accepts only cash. Car towed at 3AM? Don’t have $150 in paper money? Fuck you, that’ll be $225 tomorrow.
Tow that bitch on a Friday, let the fines pile up.
OK, fill it with liquid cement before calling the tow guy if you really need to.
caltrops. so simple, yet so effective — not to mention versatile.