Over the course of the last couple of days, Chef and I have had the same conversation several times:
“Dude, you’re going to be my husband. That is weird.”
“Oh yeah? Wife.”
“Fucking weird.”
And then we make smoochy faces at each other, capped off with shit-eating grins.
If this were an Edith Wharton novel, I would announce that I’m marrying because it’s socially the right thing to do but what I secretly want is to be free. Free! Then I would die and the reader would shed a wistful tear. Since this isn’t a novel, I’ll spare you the smooshy details (that you’ll probably get later anyway). Let’s just say that over ten years ago, when we first met and inexplicably fell for one another, this development seemed like more than a long shot.
That’s right, we’re gettin’ hitched. I believe some congratulations are in order.
Congratulations, patriarchy! You caught another one!
…or were those not the congratulations you were looking for?
Congratulations. And smoochy faces are totally patriarchal.
Congratulations! Subvert from within, I always say. :)
Just plain congratulations!
Congratulations! Can honest womanhood be far behind? I’m not holding my breath, although it would be a good idea given the amount of cedar pollen in the air.
Congratulations! What good news!
Congratulations, Lauren! Woohoo!
I’ve found it greatly entertaining to subvert the patriarchy from within a marriage. Welcome to the club!
Congratulations, Lauren!
Congrats! I’m in the middle of trying to plan a feminist wedding, myself. Best of luck with everything!
Lovely! mazel tov Lauren!
Awwww, you’re so conventional!
Congratulations to you both!
Congrats on your impending wifedom!
w00t! Congratulations, Lauren. :D
Wow. Have you picked out your china patterns already?
Congratulations!
Congrats!
Another secret blog crush taken off the market!
Well, all the cook kids are doing it. Congrats!!
I both hoped and suspected this would happen, and it couldn’t happen to two better people. Congratulations!
Congratulations! If you tire of china patterns, you can always do as I did, and tell whoever offers a bridal shower that you want tools. I got a nice drill out of that (which mystified my grandmother).
Fight the power!Down with the patriarchy!I’m so happy for you!The secret to ending oppressive patriarchal institutions isn’t to boycott them, but to participate in them with such delight and defiance that the patriarchy gets bored with them and fucks off.
IE: Congratulations!
I have to confess, when I read the link over at feministe, an involuntary “aww” escaped my lips. Aww. Congrats.
Yay! Congratulations!
congratulations lauren! :)
Best wishes!
Congratualtions! You’ll make a good wife.
Congrats! :)
Takes a lot to get me to delurk but this is worth it. Mazel tov and may you enjoy your
marriageequal partnership as much as I have all 35 years of mine.Back to lurking.
Nicely done. I’ll raise a glass of vodka for you tonight. Na zdrowie!
“Dude, you’re going to be my husband. That is weird.”
“Oh yeah? Wife.”
“Fucking weird.”
And then we make smoochy faces at each other, capped off with shit-eating grins.
…my fiancee and I have had precisely the same conversation several times over the two months we’ve been engaged, with the same result…congratulations, and long life, happy life.
Yay! Warm wishes to you and your family! Drinks are in order! (I don’t care if it’s 9 am.)
Congratulations!
Congratulations! Even though you’re breaking my law banning all marriages. Damn you.
Congratulations!
yay y’all!
Woo! Patriarchy Fuckers ™ Unite!
really, congratulations!
I’m really happy for you. But because I can’t seem to do anything without irony and a reference to law, Scotland or BDSM, I offer Renton’s concluding lines from Trainspotting:
“The truth is that I’m a bad person. But, that’s gonna change - I’m going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on, going straight and choosing life. I’m looking forward to it already. I’m gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suit, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die. “
Woot woot! Congratulations! Welcome to the club — jackets are available in a variety of sizes. We’ll teach you the handshake later. And don’t forget your copy of “Hetronormativty & the Modern Subversive Couple.”
Congratulations!
Congratulations, Lauren! When do you begin vacuuming in high heels and pearls?
Seriously, best wishes to you and Chef for a very happy life together.
Yea Lauren! Yea Chef! Big smooches to both of you!
Congratulations!
Maybe we can all chip in an get you an apron. A fluffy one.
Congratulations!
May you always have
Walls for the winds
A roof for the rain
Tea beside the fire
Laughter to cheer you
Those you love near you
And all your heart might desire.
~~Irish blessing
I will also need fuzzy slippers.
Mazel Tov, you crazy kids!
Congratulations!!!!!
I don’t have a patriarchy-related quip, but congratulations to you both. May you enjoy many happy years together terrorizing drunken college kids.
Congrats!
OK, when you said you were getting married, I thought, “you know, maybe she’s working to subvert the system from the inside.” I thought, “Good for her! It’s much easier that way.”
But then you mentioned this fuzzy slippers thing, and I lost faith.
Fuzzy slippers are the deadliest weapon the patriarchy ever invented. You’ve become a pod-person, Lauren.
Congratulations!
I’m wondering about the “cuckoldery” part of your plans. Are you guys planning to follow Bitch Ph.D.’s example, and have an open marriage :-)?
Wheee–am I relieved!!
Chef surprised us all. Get Lauren to tell you the proposal scene!
Family is happy and anxious to hear the wedding details; oh, and the vows, we want to know what the vows are going to say. :)
Congrats, and make sure to get lots of presents.
I propose we all chip in and get a foundation repair gift certificate as the combined weight of their felines takes its toll over the years.
Congratulations!
Awesome–congrats!
Mmm, cuckoldry!
I hope you throw a really fabulous party and have a good time with it.
8 years later I can still barely say “husband” - it freaks me out.
WOW! I am so happy for you two. Just make sure you register somewhere, so as not to receive the useless platter or bread making machine as a wedding gift.
Woot!
Yay Lauren and Chef! Congratulations!
Hooray, this calls for a quote from Rilke, proto-feminist!
“For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
Savor that in fuzzy slippers.
Congratulations! As a recently engaged person myself — more of a complete surprise than an expected development — I can attest to the greatness of being engaged and fighting the patriarchy from within. :)
best wishes!
Congratu-fucking-lations! I peek in on on of my rare internet breaks these days and get great news for you! I’m hoping you and chef will be delightedly happy and very able to enjoy the lead up to the nuptials and the nuptials themselves. As someone who recently did this (and had her feminist-card ganked by a coupla folks for giving into heterosexual privilege) I congratulate you both and wish you both the best of luck.
And even though I’m still twitchy whenever someone refers to me as wife or married, its getting easier to hear. But if you decide to run away to New Orleans, I know a great chapel that will do everything sweetly but cheaply and a great b&b that is very, very affordable.
And should you decide that you want bags for yourself, your bridesmaids, or other ladies you want to have associated with you, drop me a line. I’d love to help.
Congratulations! Some unsolicited advice from a former bride: spend as much as you can afford on food/drink and photography. Everything else can be done on a budget, and no one’s going to remember anything else anyway.
We will have been married six months in January, and I still fumble every time I have to refer to “my husband.” Weird.
All possible congratulations.
Husband husband husband husband husband
Wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife wife
Spouse spouse spouse spouse spouse
Yeah, married thirteen years, and they’re all still weird. Especially when you see them repeatedly.
Look forward to savoring your 1000 benefits.
Congratulations. I have nothing more to add. Best of everything to both of you.
Congrats, and if there are no “holy crap, he’s got some good insurance and I want to get me some of that” issues, might I suggest perpetual engagement? It’s working well for me and mine.
Fuck! Congratulations, lady. Now you face the same daunting choice I face myself: Vegas, Atlantic City, Graceland, or the county courthouse? Also: open bar or beer in trashcans full of ice? It was questions like these that landed me in perpetual engagement.
Well done and good luck, ya’ll.
Congrats!
Why can’t he be the wife?
Congratulations Lauren! I was slow to catch the news.
Whoa, congrats lady!
Wait. Does this mean that chef won’t be able to do all the cooking anymore? Because that would suck.
Congratulations!
Congrats. Best wishes for long and happy lives.
You CAN successfully work to subvert the dominant paradigm from within — but only til you get the minivan. Then it’s all over.
Chef must be known as Mr. Lauren, end of story.
And yes, congratulations, good woman. As I am on my third (and hopefully last) marriage, I recommend the institution highly.
Will you be inviting your readership to the wedding? Think of the presents. If the institution is good for anything, it’s good for the acquisition of small appliances.
Congratulations to y’all: (snif).
Congratulations! And a gratuitous quote to go with your smoochy faces:
“To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.”
-Robert Brault
Congratulations, Lauren! I’m so happy for you, Chef, and Ethan.
I will, however, have a brief, silent moment of mourning over the fact that your days as a thorn in the side of a religious right are ending. No longer are you a single teenaged mother for them to wring their hands over! Now you’re just an old married broad like everybody else. :p
Congratulations! That is wonderful. I’m so happy for you.
*delurks* congrats! :) *resumes lurking*