Faux Real

Hee!

Published June 29th, 2009 in Suburbia. 2 Comments

Because I’m a bad person, I’ve been messing with some poor guy from some citizen’s action committee who keeps calling us when we’re eating dinner to donate to some anti-water company action, which, while I’m sure this is a legitimate and positive movement, I’m totally uninterested in hearing about. (Please don’t call the grammar police on that sentence.)

So they call asking for Chef, whose name is pretty clearly a dude’s name, and I answer with, “This is she. May I ask who is calling?” Or, “She isn’t home right now. Can I take a message?”

There is always a pause at the other end, while the poor guy at the end of the phone — and it’s always the same guy — must mentally shift from “sirs” to “ma’ams,” something I take great joy in engineering.

I finally told him to stop calling.

Staycation

Published June 29th, 2009 in Suburbia. 2 Comments

Sweet: One week of vacation ahead, with one short regional trip planned, and little to do other than getting the cat shaved.

It’s going to rule.

Protected: Simulacra and Simulation

Published June 15th, 2009 in Assholes, E, Family, Grown Ass Men and Relationships. Enter your password to view comments

Protected: Home

Published June 10th, 2009 in E, Family and Parenthood. Enter your password to view comments

Dueling Bloggers

Published June 8th, 2009 in Bloggery and Chef. 6 Comments

Chef keeps logging in on the other computer to edit the post below to say, “Tonight, I burst out of the bathroom and said…”

Then I log in to edit the post to say, “Tonight, Chef burst out of the bathroom and said…”

Then Chef logs in to edit the post to say, “Tonight, I burst out of the bathroom and said…”

I see the original post has been rewritten again. I have to change my password.

And I did suggest Pablo Escobarf. Because it’s that’s what Pablo does. And it’s fucking funny and I don’t care what anyone else says about it.

Pablo Escobarf and Douglass Fur 4EVA!

Catstravaganza

Published June 8th, 2009 in Kittehs. 0 Comments

Tonight, I was being a total dickhead and told everybody that Chef burst out of the bathroom and said, “I know! We should change Fidel’s name to ‘Fidel Cat-stro!’” For what it’s worth, this revelation was not preceded by any cat-related conversation. I SUCK!!! I also decided that we would name our other cat Pablo Esco-Barf. I will probably post something above this that will be a further testament to how lame we are.

Protected: Racing and Classing In Real Life

Published June 6th, 2009 in Class, E and Suburbia. Enter your password to view comments

Protected: Dealing With Difficult People

Published June 4th, 2009 in About. Enter your password to view comments

Protected: Email Me If You Want To Read It, Don’t Hate Me If You’re Denied

Published June 4th, 2009 in About. Enter your password to view comments

Rediscovering Life Without Internet

Published May 31st, 2009 in Bloggery and Suburbia. 5 Comments

And it’s pretty fun. Will update whenever the mood strikes.

Gardening Is Better as a Community Effort

Published May 17th, 2009 in Gardening and Suburbia. 2 Comments

Hosted six guests who helped in the garden, and fed them hot dogs in exchange for hard labor.

Hoed, nailed, hammered.

Things planted include: peas, green beans, spinach, carrots, mixed greens, etc., along with the corn, squash, pumpkins and tomatoes we did last week. Also moved the tomatoes and cauliflower that I planted too close together.

Sunflower seeds were devoured by some critter and must be replaced. Prepared space for sunflowers.

Garden in good shape despite hail storm last week, must keep eye out for upcoming frost advisory.

Removed the wine bottles from the flower bed — a ridiculous idea that, while it looked good on paper, looks like a cheap, shitty attempt at lawn art. Also made us look like proud alcoholics even though most of the wine bottles were donated. Wine bottles are boxed and in the garage waiting to be taken to the recycling center.

Got compost bin lessons. Cleared out and repaired the compost bin. Ready to spread compost in the garden next time.

Witnessed epic H.O.R.S.E. battle in the driveway, where it was determined the husband and wife team need to hustle local parks. Some people are good at basketball without even trying, but then, we are in Indiana.

Convinced Chef that babies do not hate him. Held baby all day and got him to talk mad love to me. Then gave baby back to its parents.

Chef going to bed early after being run ragged by feral three-year-old who is now his best friend.

Gardening News, Next Time Remind Me To Get Out The Camera

Published May 15th, 2009 in Gardening. 1 Comment

We’re trying something a little different this year: community gardening. Some friends agreed to help with the garden this season — training what little gardening knowledge I have for help with maintenance and spoils — and this week we got the rows hoed and plants in the ground all in one evening. It was killer work, but with the help of three wild little ones and a couple of beers it got done.

We planted lots of corn (it’s my first time with corn, but everyone and their mother here have opinions on how to plant it), lots of broccoli and cauliflower, pumpkin and cantaloupe. The tomatoes are too close together in retrospect, so I’ll have to rearrange them. No peppers this year (we never eat them and Doug ends up using them as chew toys), but we’re planning on lots of lettuce, carrots, bush beans, peas, and sunflowers (also my first time with these but I thought the kids would like them), that will all get seeded this weekend. If it stops raining. Other than the herb plot, this is also the first time I’m trying an interplanting method, specifically utilizing the many amazing powers of calendula.

This is the first time in a long time that I have the mental and physical energy to get this thing started and keep it going, thanks to my job situation settling down, and it’s fun to have others around to enjoy it with us.

I’m stupid excited.

Sleep, Pt. Deux

Published May 13th, 2009 in Chef and Suburbia. 2 Comments

Ways You Know Your Significant Other is All Right: He covers your face in red lipstick while you sleep, like, apparently, covers your face in red lipstick to the point where it has texture like a Van Gogh or something, but feels guilty enough to wipe it off before you wake up.

Although you won’t understand the reddish stains all over your face until he explains it to you later. With much vim.

Sleep

Published May 8th, 2009 in Chef and Suburbia. 9 Comments

To get Chef back for sleeping on the couch, i.e. kicking me off the couch while he slept, I painted his toenails. Several times.

To get me back for painting his toenails while he slept, Chef applied a temporary pirate tattoo to my right cheek while I slept. The pirate was wearing a jaunty hat and had a green parrot on its shoulder.

To get Chef back for putting a pirate on my face while I slept, I sprinkled his side of the bed with a fine, sparkly glitter. He woke up looking like a disco ball. I called him Barry Gibb all day.

Now I can’t sleep.

Pet Peeve

Published May 7th, 2009 in Bloggery. 9 Comments

I can’t stand blogs with partial RSS feeds. Please, people, think of us poor souls trying to read your blogs on child-proofed work computers.